My summer vacation13:20 Aug 13 2010
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My daughter keeps talking about what she will tell people about her summer vacation...
This made me think a bit, if I was to write an essay about my summer vacation how would it read?
It sucked! I spent the summer being terrorized and emotionally battered, by someone who was supposed to be a friend. To start at the beginning is to go back a few years to 2007. I was just starting to learn about BDSM as a lifestyle, it had been something I was "in to" for most of my adult and teenage life but I never knew that it had a following or name. My husband started a profile on myspace so of course I did the same. I met some nice people, at least one of them I talk regularly still. I joined a series of BDSM groups on myspace. Myspace before apps was a blast. People actually participated and socialized.
In one of them I met a woman called Amy. Over time I went from email conversations to phone conversations. I learned that she was transgendered(mtf), divorced and disabled. My heart went out to her as her story unfolded. She told me of the car accident which disabled her, she suffered brain damage and had occasional seizures as a result. After starting her gender reassignment her wife divorced her and took the kids away. She spent time in jail after that because of violation of a restraining order put in place by the ex. It really did seem that this person was at the mercy of others. It was sad.
In 2008 she suffered a mental breakdown and lost nearly. Her services were stripped from her and she almost ended up homeless. That year should have been my warning, I didn't listen. I rationalized that she had suffered a hard blow and was being abused by her caregivers. In the end I was the only "friend" who still maintained contact with her(or so I was told). Everyone had dumped her.
Through 2009 I counselled her to better her life. To look on the bright side and cherish life as the gift that it is. Her turn around was marvelous. She overcame a lot in 2009 and by Christmas I encouraged my own friends and family to adopt her for the holiday because with no friends or family Thanksgiving to Christmas was so depressing she often became suicidal.
I believed her to be intelligent, self sufficient, charming....after Christmas I was talking to one of my friends about what a great holiday it had been for Amy. I expressed a wish to be able to do more, maybe have her visit or something but her finances did not allow for a visit. Once she got here she would be unable to return to her home since she could not afford rent, utilities and a vacation; no matter how inexspensive.
The friend asked why Amy couldn't just move in and I could not remember why she couldn't. I knew there had been a reason but it escaped me. I joked with Amy about it and somehow the joke became an unanswered question. After some thought my husband and I decided that it could only be beneficial to have her come here to live with us. We believed she might be able to offer a small financial cushion, a helping hand around the house, occasional companionship for me around the house; a majority of the time I am out here all alone with the computer while my husband is at work. We were looking forward to including her into our home so she would not have to be alone. I was looking forward to help around the house and sharing meal preperation duties so that I could focus more attention on the kids, husband and hobbies. We were wrong.
The very first day she was here it started, the nightmare month of May. Before her things were put away, she wanted to engage in bondage. In fact told me that she needed it. She wanted me to participate and could npot understand when I told her that I could not. I don't know how to judge a situation like that as safe or unsafe for someone else, I also don't know how to tie up an adult who knows how to untie themselves. In addition she kept going into "seizures" and I just thought it was a bad bad idea. She harassed me, berated me, followed me when I tried to take a time out from her tirades and tantrums. I lost a lot of sleep in the first month because not only did she keep me awake late late into the night screaming and fighting with me about her damn bondage(until I started feeling raped)but she also had me convinced that if anything happened to her I would go to jail, even though I was not her guardian.
I had no idea who this person was or where the person I had spoken with for three years had gone. This time terrorized as we were, we rationalized that this was a big adjustment. She had lived alone for five years and living in a small single wide trailor with a family was a huge change. We tried to wait it out and hope for the best.
She did calm down...but...my personal freedoms and space were gone. My peace of mind was gone. Our lives were already turned upside down and we all(my family)needed time to recover. This was never permitted. My every move and word was held up for her judgement. I couldn't do anything right...I couldn't do anything period. She never allowed us contact with her family in New York so we could not ask them for help. I began seeking domestic violence counselling. Social services was absolutely no help whatsoever as they turned down our questions and requests for help with her. I did get the important answers though.
She is an adult, even if she is disabled.
She is allowed to make her own decisions even if they are bad ones.
I am in no way responsible for the consequences of her bad decisions unless they hurt my kids and I do nothing.
I am not her nurse and am in no way responsible for her meds or care; if in fact she needs that much help she should be in a home.(not our a home, a nursing home or assisted living)
Little by little I started trying to take my home and life back.
By now you are wondering about Jeff(husband), why did he allow this? Why was it put up with for so long?
At first he didn't even know that we could just kick her out. As I found these things out he planned to evict her but two things happened.
First, his work went into manditory overtime. He was working 68 hours a week and his days off were consumed with errands for her and for me. He could not get time for himself let alone to try to get to the county courthouse to start an eviction. Second, we found ourselves suddenly unsure of whether we were going to be homeless by October of this year. We are buying our home in a lease purchase from a private owner. Sweet deal, the woman gets her mortgage paid in full every month. Makes no money whatsoever and in a few years this place is ours and we didn't even need a credit check.(if I can't love South Carolina for any other reason I can love how the barter system still works here)At the end of May we learned that the taxes had not been paid on the property and it could be sold in auction come October if they weren't paid. Right after I informed my land lady her phone number changed. I felt so damn stupid! Two and a half years and all I had was a phone number, a name and a bank account number! I had never needed more than that :(
In regards to Amy and the household, once our housing situation became precarious we told her that we needed to find her her own place before September so that we could concentrate on our own problems. After days of harrasment and frustration it was decided that we could allow her 4 to 6 months to get her services into place but under no circumstance could she continue living with us indefinately. Having a deadline calmed me considerably and I started focusing on trying to get things as back to normal as possible.
This week things hit critical mass. On Monday she informed me that she had been taking drugs and was planning on continuing. I don't know why she told me this. She told me that she had made her contacts online and never brought the drugs onto the property or into the home, specifically told me that she never ever did it around my son(D is a sweet kid, don't let him fool ya. He took it upon himself to look after her and keep her company because it took pressure off of me. For this i feel terrible, I told him repeatedly to let her tend herself but he would not). I told her that I would not have a person living in my home who did drugs. Jeff gave her until the end of September to find a place and get out. He was very firm that we would help her find somewhere but that his decision was made and would not be reversed.
On Wednesday Amy and me got into a huge argument about the decision to make her move. In the heat of the argument she blurted out that she had gotten stoned with my son and one of his former classmates. I called the police and reported her. As I filed my complaint and was telling dispatch whether I wanted her picked up Amy decided to take over 100 pills, they were three separate mood stabilizers. Right now she is in ICU on a vent. If she wakes up she will be remanded to mental health for probably a month. We have started eviction proceedings, the date should come and go by the time she gets out and school starts Tuesday.
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